A top wedding DJ shares 10 songs you should never play at any wedding, ever. See if any of your favorites made the list…
You’re in the mix. You’re groovin’. Movin’. Feeling the vibe you’re creating, looking around the room and seeing folks sharing those feels, watching you do your thing, some of them giving you the nod, the point, and the best form of approval yet: Singing along. You’re lost in music. The next song flows from your fingertips like the Arizona Havasu Falls. And then the lyrics hit. Dude is singing about being better off alone, not trusting any woman, or even worse…getting married to the wrong person. Oh no. No. No, no, no…Change the song! CHANGE THE SONG!
SAIL ON
The Commodores
This is the all-time worst song you could ever possibly play at a wedding. The burn, the cook…Lionel Richie isn’t just saying, “we’re through.” No. He’s saying, “we’re through,“ “go away,” and even, “my friends don’t like you.” And then the nail-in-the-coffin, the absolute worst of the worst, the most definitive goodbye we’re done: “I’m giving you back your name.” Basically, it’s a song about divorce. You should never get another wedding if you play this song. And you shouldn’t ask why. Some of the older dudes at the party will get a good chuckle. Everyone else will think you’re a complete idiot.
HERE I GO AGAIN
Whitesnake
Good one, dickhead! Great choice. “Here I go again on my own!” A song about a guy still looking for the right one, fresh off the wrong one, everything the groom is not. And there you are, up there rockin’, really feeling this tune, because it really is a big tune, all the feels, but meanwhile…You’re cursing the new couple. Don’t play this song. Matter of fact…Don’t play any song about breakups, unrequited love (except “Mr. Brightside”), or being single. It doesn’t fit a wedding. “‘Til death do us part.” And here you are, releasing the dreaded Whitesnake at a wedding. Nice.
DON’T KNOW WHY
Norah Jones
So, you’re sitting there, playing music for the ceremony, in your…ethereal bag, your sweet-love bag, your timeless-romance bag, you know…classical music, acoustic music, maybe a touch of Sade…And you push play on the wrong song—this song. This song is about the misery and absolute bottom-dark depression of a romance missed/gone. About a woman crying over a love that slipped through her fingers. Why the FUCK are you playing it?? My wife—then girlfriend at the time—was playing this song on loop and crying alone in her dark, South-Slope-Brooklyn apartment when we broke up, once. And once, I met Norah Jones at an airport en route to Chicago, and said something stupid to her (I won’t go into it), and…just…Don’t play this song.
VIOLET (ACOUSTIC)
Seal
You’re probably not going to play this song, anyways. But it’s one of the most beautiful songs ever written. Ever. And it would be perfect for those ceremony moments, when people are just sitting there, in beautiful dresses, feeling the sun on their faces, waiting to witness wedding bliss, Seal’s lush, layered lungs pouring out his heart, if not for the lyrics: “I understand…You need a change…But when you make that change don’t look to see I’m alright.” Another tough, tough breakup, and the vows haven’t even been exchanged yet. Good job.
THE END
The Doors
Why the HELL would you do that? Why would you play this song? There is nothing remotely positive or hopeful or uplifting…We haven’t even gotten to the lyrics, yet. We’re just talking about the sound and vibe of the song. A darkness that only people at the bottom of the pit or at the end of the rope could understand. But let’s talk about the lyrics. Let’s listen: “This is the end…Of our elaborate plans, then of everything that stands…the end…I’ll never look into your eyes again.” Like…This is the end of your deejay career.
GOLD DIGGER
Kanye West
You could end up really offending someone here. But seeing how you don’t give much of a sh*t about what you’re playing, have at it. I would love to be there, at this wedding, especially if it’s a younger bride or groom marrying someone significantly older and exponentially more flush. I deejayed one of those weddings, once. He was a lovely man, much older and seemingly much wealthier. She was a princess who carried herself like a queen, a magnificent woman worthy of all of God’s [and Standard’s and Poor’s] blessings, but seemingly not as wealthy, and seemingly much, much younger. The wedding took place at a gorgeous, private mansion on the Upper East Side. And they were truly in love. (And I was in love with them, admittedly. They were fabulous.) It scares me now, thought, thinking back, what might’ve happened if I played this song for them. Yikes.
ESCAPE (THE PINA COLADA SONG)
Rupert Holmes
Dude…It’s a song about cheating. Do we need to say more? Fine. This married guy is “tired of his lady,” they’ve “been together too long,” so one night while she’s sleeping, he checks out the raunchy, scumbag, back part of the newspaper to see if anyone’s looking for love. Sure…It takes a cute turn at the end: He finds someone, writes back to her, they meet at a bar, and it turns out, it’s his wife. Awwww. Really cute! But they should both agree to divorce right there on the spot, because that’s some trifling shit, and neither of them deserve holy matrimony if they’re going behind each other’s back, trying to cheat. “Til death [or O’Malleys] do us part.”
EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE
The Police
My wife loves to bring up the movie “Sleeping with the Enemy” every time I…organize my underwear by how worn out they are or arrange my medicine-cabinet-shelf items in a row by height or repeatedly wash my fingertips every time I touch every ingredient or knife or cooking surface when prepping dinner. (Guilty as charged.) What I’m trying to say is, just…Don’t play this song. This a new couple, relatively new to the attached-at-the-hip life, so it’s best not to give the newlyweds any pause for concern about whom they’re really marrying, what habits they have that are…worrisome, and what could happen to them one night when they’re sleeping… “’Til death do us part,” and all.
LAST GOODBYE
Jeff Buckley
This is one of the greatest songs ever written, recorded and produced. The phrasing, the spacing, the instrumentation, the progression, the emotion, the structure, Jeff Buckley’s hypnotically high vocals…It’s just sublime. And just completely wrong for a wedding. If you couldn’t figure that out from the title, let’s look at the first stanza of lyrics: “This is our last goodbye…I hate to feel the love between us die…But it’s over…” NAILED IT! If the bride and groom weren’t swimming in a sea of love, they certainly will be, now. Whew! What a banger! You really helped them bring their vision to life. Definitely send them a link to leave you a review the next day. Don’t even ask if there was anything you could’ve done that might’ve made things better. There wasn’t. You fucking killed it.
INTO THE NIGHT
Benny Mardones
I don’t care how good the song is. I don’t care how absolutely insane his vocals are. And no…Him telling the world it was about a friend who was looking at his teenage neighbor the wrong way doesn’t make up for THIS GODDAMN VIDEO!!! I mean…Click that link and witness the horror. Son is unabashedly prowling on an underage person. Most brides these days will always have R. Kelly on their “Do Not Play” list. Assume they would add Benny Mardones to that list, as well. Please. It is definitely safe to assume—from this video—that Benny would be sharing a cell with the “R,” had they shared the same decade.